Mothering Caroline Grace

learning how to be the mom of an angel


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Happy 6-Month Birthday

Today you would have been 6 months old, Miss Caroline.

It leaves me wondering what you would look like now.  If you would have started any solids by now.  What we would be doing together every day.  What your laugh would have sounded like.

It hurts to be here without you.

All the same, you have changed your parents and everyone who knew you for the better.

I am proud of you always.

I can’t wait to hold you again soon.

I love you.

 

Happy 6-Month Birthday.

 

Love,

Mom


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Eight

As television starts back up again, it is time for a post that I have been thinking about for a while.  I have always been a fan of Grey’s Anatomy.  I have often thought back to a scene where Cristina talks to Meredith’s therapist and tells her about Meredith’s pain level.  At this point in the show, Meredith has lost her mother, her father has never been there for her, and she is barely hanging on.  Derek doesn’t understand the loss in her life and the support system that she needs.

 

 

Since my daughter died, I have thought that this same fact is true for me.  I live my life at an eight.

 

I am willing to bet that the same is true for anyone who has lost a child.  On a pain scale of 1 to 10, we are always at an 8.  This is beyond the comprehension of everyone but those closest to us.  They are the ones that notice that we live our lives at an 8.  They are the ones who know that the smiles, while they can be genuine, are hiding the deep sadness that comes when a part of you has left this world.  Caroline is my first thought in the morning and my last thought as I fall asleep.  I try to be strong for her and put on a brave face, but sometimes I have to sit outside in the sunshine to feel close to her.  Sometimes I have to run out of the building at work to burst into tears because I can’t stand pretending that I’m okay for one more second.

If you are reading this because you know someone who has lost a child, be the friend who notices their pain.  If months have gone by and you think that they are doing okay, know that they are not.  Give them a hug and the chance to tell you how they feel.  They live their life at an 8, but you can make that 8 a little easier to bear.