The past few weeks have been incredibly hard. I found that the days leading up to and following the anniversary of Caroline’s death have been harder than the day itself. I think that was because my husband and I stayed busy together that day.
We started the day by going out to breakfast together. We then came home and made a plan for the rest of the day. I finished putting together the pinwheels that we planned to bring to the infant section of a local cemetery.
After donating, we drove around until we found an infant section of a cemetery to decorate with our pinwheels. It brought up a lot of emotions. Caroline’s ashes are currently at home since we don’t plan on settling in this area, so a cemetery trip was something we weren’t used to. My heart hurt for each of those parents and the children gone too soon.
After placing our 13 pinwheels, we went to an art fair in town that we had stumbled upon last year. It brought back the memory of my husband purchasing a piece of art that said, “Don’t cry because it is over… Smile because it happened.”
We then went to dinner at our favorite brick oven pizzeria, and finished the day by watching Caroline’s favorite movie, Frozen. I used to watch it with her while she cuddled with me in her rocking chair. She loved the music.
We spent the day honoring Caroline and finished it with some tears and a prayer for Caroline. We love her so, so much.
I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do this every year. It’s still so surreal. The physical nature of the emotional pain leaves me reeling. My heart and arms ache for my baby girl, and they always will.