It has been almost 4 months since Caroline died, and I think I’m starting to see my “new normal” that everyone talks about. I can say for the first time since Caroline’s ultrasound last November that I’m starting to be productive at work again. I am much more capable of meeting deadlines and concentrating on my writing. I get less looks of pity and more empty smiles as I walk the halls. I am disappearing back into the shadows.
It feels good to start pulling my weight again, but part of me is sad to be finding my new normal. There is a fear of forgetting everything I want to remember. A fear of letting other people forget. I wish I could hear her name from someone every day, but that’s not how this world works. I will have to say it for my own ears to hear.
I am thankful for the ways that I have found to mother Caroline. I have a friend who lost her daughter too, and we meet up from time to time to talk about our kids and be with someone who understands what we’re going through. My husband and I attend a support group for bereaved parents. I bought a dozen pink roses and placed them by Caroline’s urn; I love to bring flowers to my sunshine. I am looking into ways to be a contact for other families facing a similar diagnosis. No one could ever find a contact for us, and it was hard to be alone through all of the heartache and decision making.
I want to give back in memory of my Caroline. I hope Caroline is proud of me.
I am certainly proud of her.