Mothering Caroline Grace

learning how to be the mom of an angel


Making Plans

It’s official: I’ve started making plans for this baby.

Yesterday I made my first two purchases. I bought two outfits for next summer (hopefully I bought the right size!) and ordered cloth diapers.  Cloth diapering is something I really wanted to do with Caroline, but with the uncertainty and stress, making the purchase and learning something new did not happen.  My husband is humoring me in trying cloth diapers this time and I think he’s going to like it!

Anyways, this is a big step for me.  Although various screenings have been negative, we have not yet had our anatomy scan, our diagnosis milestone with Caroline.  Yet I’ve made some purchases already for this baby.  I am trying to look to the future and be optimistic.  I am making plans and hoping that my dreams are not crushed.

This point in the pregnancy has been difficult for me.  I am starting to feel movement but it is still very subtle, which leads to panicked moments of, “I haven’t felt her move in a few hours, what if something happened?”  Then I feel something which keeps me satisfied for a little while, but then the cycle starts again.

Caroline’s movements were always very subtle.  I wonder if this baby will take after her sister or have boxing matches with my bladder?  It is too soon to tell.

Caroline, I love you.  I miss you.  Please watch over your sister and mom as we get through the next few weeks.


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Anxiety and Pebbles

The past few days I have been busier than usual.  I’ve felt pulled in many different directions and I’ve felt an emotion that is new to my grief journey: anxiety.

I’ve searched my emotions for the root of my anxiety today, but it escapes me.  Perhaps it is an inability to multitask the way that I used to because Caroline is always at the forefront of my mind.  Perhaps it is because I have not been sleeping well, since I leave the lights of Caroline’s miniature Christmas tree on all night and it wakes me up, but I need them on.  Only parents who have lost a child will understand that one.  Perhaps I am just anxious about the holidays.  As they creep nearer and nearer I miss Caroline harder and harder.

This month has been the month of memorial services.  We have been invited to a memorial service almost every weekend leading up to Christmas.  The services have been good, but emotional.  It is nice that they choose this time of year for the services, but at the same time, I would love for them to be spread out throughout the toughest year of our lives.

Last weekend was the memorial service organized by Caroline’s hospice team.  During the ceremony, they read names of those who had passed on, of which Caroline was likely the only baby, and as our loved one’s name was read, we were invited to come up to the front and take a pebble from a glass vase.


They shared that they hold a memorial service every month during their staff meetings, and each time a patient passes, they place a pebble in the vase to remember them.  I thought it was a beautiful thing for them to do, and commend people who can work so intimately with death.  There were so, so many names.  When Caroline’s name was called, my husband and I went up and each took a pebble.

That pebble has helped me through my anxiety this week.  Holding it in my hand somehow relieves some of the stress.  It is a symbol of the many lives that Caroline has touched.  It is a symbol of the people who continue to care about our family.  It is a symbol of love.

Loving you always, my little peanut.

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I am anxious for a family that I don’t even know.

Although the diagnosis is different, following this family’s story has brought out my anxiety.  I think I am more nervous for them now than I was for myself when I went into labor with Caroline, because now I fully know what is coming.  In our case, the best days of our lives followed by the worst days of our lives.  I know the deep grief that comes when your child is no longer in your arms and wish I could protect people from it.

I hope that no matter what happens, they stick together as parents and are able to find peace in the fact that they gave their son an amazing life.

Sending up lots of prayers for this family tonight.