Mothering Caroline Grace

learning how to be the mom of an angel


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Another Anniversary

As of today my husband and I have been married for 3 years.  

It is amazing what we have been through together in 3 years.  One year ago we went shopping for clothes to wear to our daughter’s funeral.  Two years ago we made plans to have a baby.  Three years ago we said, “I do.”  Little did we know how soon the challenges would come.

It’s difficult for me to celebrate today because of the proximity between Caroline’s heaven day and our anniversary.  It makes me sad to think that I will always struggle to smile on our anniversary.

I want to take a moment to thank my husband for always being there to support me, even when things got hard.  Really, really hard.  He is my partner in life and my best friend.  I love you, husband!

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My Perfect Flower

Caroline has spent a year in heaven.  I imagine that time does not exist in the same way there and we will be with Caroline before she realizes that we are apart.

One year ago, I read Caroline the book I wrote her as she passed away in her mommy and daddy’s arms. 

This anniversary has been so hard because losing my perfect baby girl is the hardest thing I have ever done.  All of the difficult memories have flooded back to me.

I try to remember that she is now in a place where there is no pain and no suffering, but my arms and heart still ache.  I wish more than anything that we could still be together.

Miss Caroline, your mommy loves and misses you every second of every day.  You will always have an incredibly special place in my heart.  I love you!


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An Unexpected Anniversary

Today is an annual symposium.  It probably didn’t fall on this same date last year, but it is a reminder all the same.  Last year, I had planned to go to the symposium for a few hours and leave Caroline with her grandma, but I never made it.

The date of this event last year was the first day since Caroline’s hospital stay that she was unstable.  It was the first time I noticed that her hands and feet were cool and slightly swollen.  Those were the first physical signs of her heart condition.  Caroline’s body was starting to fail her and there was nothing I could do to help her.  It was the day that I broke down in front of Caroline’s nurse, upset that there was nothing I could do.  

I had no idea how much time we’d have, and was afraid that she would continue to decline quickly.  Instead, she stayed stable for almost another month.  In fact, her swelling went down.  Caroline continued to be the happy, sweet baby she had always been, and I began to smile again.  

Every second with my strong daughter was cherished, and today I absent-mindedly find myself wishing I could heal her, remembering this day one year ago.  My head knows that she is completely healed in the arms of Jesus, but my heart still aches.