I have entered year 2 post-loss. I thought it would get easier but it hasn’t. In fact, lately grief has taken a firm hold.
I haven’t been sleeping well and the past few days I’ve been very low. Struggle-to-get-out-of-bed, achy-heart, nothing-is-very-funny kind of low. It’s scary to have come this far and still have days where the pain is so fresh. Last evening I felt like I couldn’t breathe and needed to get out of the house. I went shopping and bought myself a pair of jeans. I was down another size, which normally would have been very exciting for me, but it still wasn’t enough to make me smile.
My husband and I have been so bored in the evenings lately. I know that if Caroline were still with us, our evenings would be anything but boring. That hurts, the way our plans were ripped away from us. We were so ready to start filling our house with children. When Caroline was with us, our home was so busy and noisy and perfect. I miss that.
I miss Caroline so deeply. She is still, and possibly always will be, at the forefront of every thought. I feel her presence in the sunshine that she loved. I ache to hold her in my arms. I yearn to see her play and grow up. I love her with every ounce of my being.
I have heard that year 2 can be harder than year 1, since the permanence of it all starts to really sink in. It is still too early to judge but I can see how that could be true. For those of you further along this journey, has this been the case for you?