Mothering Caroline Grace

learning how to be the mom of an angel


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Mothering Another

This blog has always been a way to reflect on what it means to be Caroline’s mother.  This space is filled with memories, love, and the struggles of parenting a child who is no longer physically here.  A change is coming to our family that will bring more memories, love, and parenting struggles.

We are expecting our second child, another little lady!

We are so excited to add to our family!  However, it is very scary when you have firsthand experience of how fragile pregnancy and life is.  We hope and pray for the chance to parent this child here on earth and to have the chance to tell her about her amazing big sister.

Thoughts and prayers are appreciated as we embark on this journey for a second time.


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Memory Monday

I loved Caroline’s hands.  

Caroline had an extra pinky on each hand.  When our maternal fetal medicine doctor saw the extra fingers on ultrasound and pointed them out, I was shocked and scared of how her hands would look.  I didn’t know how beautiful six fingers could be.

Caroline’s right hand had the classic trisomy clenched fist.  Her left hand was different; her fingers were always curled but never clenched, and her fingers did not overlap on that side.

My favorite view of Caroline’s perfect hands was when she reached towards me.  I’d then pick her up and those beautiful hands would soon relax, opening from their usual position.  Oh how she loved being in mommy and daddy’s arms!


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The Conflicting Emotions of Infant Loss

Since my daughter Caroline entered this world, simultaneously conflicting emotions have become my life.

The incredible joy of meeting her was as present as the immense pain of knowing that she would not stay for long.

The relief that she would never again be in pain was mixed with the piece of my heart ripped out on the floor and lost, never to be found again now that she’s gone.

The pure happiness when someone compliments my pictures of Caroline twinges with the pain that I’ll never have any more pictures to display.

Before my loss, I never realized that happy and sad could coexist the way they do now.  However, between the joy and sorrow I have found something unexpected.

Peace.

I am grateful that Caroline chose me to be her mother.  Our short time together was worth every second of heartache, and I can’t imagine my life without her.  I don’t want to.

I am at peace with the sad undertone to my new life, because it shows how much I love and miss my daughter.  

I see how God has worked and continues to work through her.  She has accomplished so much and I am so incredibly proud.

Loving her is the highlight of this bittersweet life.


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Memory Monday

Every night, I watched Caroline’s chest rise and fall. Going to sleep was ever so peaceful. She looked so beautiful and happy when she slept. I would listen to her breathing as I fell asleep, with her bassinet right next to our bed. I kissed her goodnight and always told her that I loved her. That was something I said countless times every day. I love you, I love you, I love you. Mama loves you so much.


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The Potty Chair

Caroline’s great grandfather has made potty chairs for all of his great grandchildren. ¬†After Caroline passed away, he asked us if we still wanted one for her. ¬†We said yes, absolutely. ¬†He sent it to us this week.

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Yes, I know she will never use it. ¬†You’d think getting this would send me into a spiraling mess of grief, but it hasn’t. ¬†Caroline was included in a tradition, and for that I am so thankful. ¬†Whenever anyone thinks of my baby girl, it makes me so happy. ¬†This is such a gift for her and helps me to know that family is still loving on her the way that we are.

I love you more than words can say, Miss Caroline.