Mothering Caroline Grace

learning how to be the mom of an angel


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Dreams

I had a dream that I had them both.

Caroline was alive in my arms and baby girl was thriving in my belly.  Caroline was still herself, the feisty personality I remember, but she had grown.  She had her physical challenges, but had made some progress.  She could more clearly indicate what she needed and had learned to breastfeed.  She was bigger but could still fit comfortably in a wrap carrier.  She was my daughter and she was so perfect.

We went together to my OB appointment.  My OB was shocked to see Caroline but was amazed.

I woke up before I could lose her again.  I reveled in the feeling of having Caroline with me being normal and real before the tears came.

Oh Caroline, how I miss you.  Thank you for visiting your mother in her dreams.  I know you are always with us.

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Making Plans

It’s official: I’ve started making plans for this baby.

Yesterday I made my first two purchases. I bought two outfits for next summer (hopefully I bought the right size!) and ordered cloth diapers.  Cloth diapering is something I really wanted to do with Caroline, but with the uncertainty and stress, making the purchase and learning something new did not happen.  My husband is humoring me in trying cloth diapers this time and I think he’s going to like it!

Anyways, this is a big step for me.  Although various screenings have been negative, we have not yet had our anatomy scan, our diagnosis milestone with Caroline.  Yet I’ve made some purchases already for this baby.  I am trying to look to the future and be optimistic.  I am making plans and hoping that my dreams are not crushed.

This point in the pregnancy has been difficult for me.  I am starting to feel movement but it is still very subtle, which leads to panicked moments of, “I haven’t felt her move in a few hours, what if something happened?”  Then I feel something which keeps me satisfied for a little while, but then the cycle starts again.

Caroline’s movements were always very subtle.  I wonder if this baby will take after her sister or have boxing matches with my bladder?  It is too soon to tell.

Caroline, I love you.  I miss you.  Please watch over your sister and mom as we get through the next few weeks.