Mothering Caroline Grace

learning how to be the mom of an angel


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Memory Monday

Late nights were my shift.  I was able to tell pretty quickly each night whether we were going to have a restful or restless night.  

On the restful nights, Caroline would sleep softly in her bassinet, and I would pull it right next to me on the couch.  I would fall asleep to the sound of her breathing, the most beautiful sound, and get some rest before she woke up for her next feeding.

On the restless nights, Caroline was awake and not happy about it.  We’d spend time bouncing around the living room and rocking in her rocking chair.  I would sing to her or play her musical bunny, which she loved.  We would watch television together into the sunrise.  She’d often fall asleep in my arms, and that was just fine with me.

Holding my beautiful, sleeping daughter was always the best part of my day.

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Tears in Paradise

I went to Arizona last week for a meeting.  The desert sun in March was so beautiful – it was lovely to leave the freezing cold behind for temperatures in the 70s and 80s.

The meeting was great and I met a lot of interesting people.  One afternoon I decided to spend some time sightseeing in town and then spent the late afternoon by the pool.

I found a reclining pool chair and took a seat, loving the feeling of the sun’s rays on my skin.  I thought of Caroline because sitting in the warmth of the sun always reminds me of her.

As I reclined and closed my eyes, I soon heard a group that caused me to open them.  There was a mom teaching her son how to swim.  The boy was wearing floating sleeves and soon took his first strokes.  I saw the pride on the mom’s face as this young boy made it across the pool.

That is when the tears started.

I will never teach Caroline how to swim.  A silly thing to get upset over perhaps, but right in front of me was an experience we both have lost.

I soon made my way back to the hotel room so that I could let out the rest of my tears privately. 

Grief follows you into paradise and sneaks up on you when you least expect it.


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Memory Monday

Caroline was a girly girl who knew what she wanted.  

We dressed her in a new outfit almost every day because her daddy kept going Caroline shopping and family and friends sent outfits.  Caroline was always in style.  She loved her outfits but hated being changed; she did not like to be naked.  She liked to be comfortable and warm, wrapped up in the outfits bought with love and the blankets made just for her.  

Caroline always let us know when she needed something, and we spent many hours walking her around the house so that she could look around or wiggling her on our laps like jello.  The jello wiggle always calmed her down when she was fussy.  We spent the majority of our time together cuddling on the couch and rocking in her rocking chair.  Some of my favorite moments were the quiet moments when we clung to each other and our connection was undeniable.  We had mother-daughter pure love.

Caroline, that love is still in my heart.  Mommy loves you so much!