This semester, I am teaching my first college course. I have been incredibly busy, which has been good and bad. I think lately I have been pushing down my feelings because I have so much to do. If I’m having a rough night, I still need to finish prepping my lecture for the next day, so I do.
The first day of class I wore a flowing pink shirt. It is a knit shirt that flares at the bottom. I bought it when I was pregnant with Caroline; even though it’s not a maternity shirt, it looks like one. I wore it when I guest lectured in a class, now over a year ago. That guest lecture was my first lecture in front of an undergraduate class, and it was about a month before I knew of Caroline’s condition. I got up in front of all of those people with my little secret – that I was expecting a child. I was in the blissful stage of my pregnancy that was cut far too short.
Now, I still have a secret, but instead it’s that I carry my daughter in my heart instead of my arms. It felt right to put on the same pink shirt that first day. She was with me for my first college lecture, and wearing that shirt helped me to feel that she was with me again.
Every day in front of my students, I feel an urge to share my story. I then remember that it’d be inappropriate, and don’t. For now I will continue to wear my memorial necklaces, and keep hoping that someone asks about Caroline. I have such a need to share my baby with the world. She is the most incredible person I have ever known.