Yesterday you would have turned 7 months old. I can’t help but wonder what we would be doing together and what you would look like at that age. Instead, you are forever just shy of two months old. Time has flown by at the same time that it has creeped forward. I miss you so much, sweetheart. I lied on the couch holding your urn yesterday because I needed to hold you. It wasn’t the same. Your beautiful soul is not in those ashes. It is in heaven, where I can’t go yet.
When Caroline was born, we didn’t know how much time we would have with her. We were thrilled when she was born alive and we were able to make some precious memories with her. My husband’s parents were already in town, but my parents hit the road when my water broke. They drove through the night but still had about 6 more hours of driving left when Caroline was born. I hoped and prayed that Caroline would still be with us when they arrived, so that she could meet all of her grandparents. I brought a picture of our cats to show Caroline so that she had the chance to meet her kitties if she never made it home with us.
My parents made it to the hospital in time; Caroline was still alive! We took many pictures in the hospital and Caroline did not go one minute without being held for those first few days. We took chalkboard pictures with Caroline, first documenting hours with her, and later on days. Those first 24 hours were the hardest. There were a few times where I thought I was going to lose her, tears streaming down my face, but she held on.
The grandparents had left for the night, and my mom called in the morning. After some pleasantries, she asked, “How’s the baby?” I was so happy to be able to say, “She made it through the night.” We arranged for the grandparents to all come back to the hospital that day. The nurses continued to coo over Caroline and be in awe over how well she was doing. God showed me a miracle in my daughter. Those first days with Caroline are the happiest days of my life, and I would do it all over again for her.