Mothering Caroline Grace

learning how to be the mom of an angel

Holiday Blues


We are getting to the point where we need to decide what we are doing for the holidays.  Going home to family is a plane ride away, and I want none of it.  We are getting to the point where we should book if we want to go before the prices rocket up, but my husband and I have decided that we don’t want to travel this year.  We wanted to go home for Christmas last year, but with Caroline’s condition we wanted to stay close to my OB.  So you would think that we’d be itching to go home this year… but we’re not.

The thought of watching nephews open presents without Caroline there to grab at the paper ties my stomach into knots.  The looks of pity, or worse, of “why aren’t they over it yet?” from family and friends would be too much to handle.  I’m not trying to say that my family is mean or that they would try to hurt me, but I know I would see it in their eyes.  I would feel like my grief was on display and know I’d be the gossip point of the month.  “How is Kristina doing?”  “She seems okay, I saw her laughing and smiling so it looks like she’s getting over it.”  “I don’t know, I saw her leave the room when the boys were opening presents and she didn’t come back for a while.”  “I heard her crying in the bathroom.”

Maybe it is the grief talking but a quiet Christmas at home with my husband and Caroline’s ashes is all that I feel I can handle this year.  Maybe if I went home I would find my family to be incredibly supportive and I’d have a great Christmas, but I don’t think I’m ready for that.  I need this season to miss my daughter and be permitted to feel what I need to feel.  If I want to cry all day, I want to be able to do that.

Hopefully I will feel up to going home for Christmas next year, but this first Christmas needs to be ours.  If anyone has suggestions for getting through that first holiday season, I’d love to hear them.

Missing you always, Miss Caroline.


4 thoughts on “Holiday Blues

  1. Do what you need to. We stayed home last year and I think it was the best thing we could have done. It let me cry freely, and not have to worry about what people thought. We brought Noah’s ashes down on the holiday. It was what we needed.


  2. After losing my Audrey, I didn’t want to get out and be gawked at. She went home to Jesus 40 min before Mother’s Day. I could sometimes get out to places where no one really knew me, like the grocery store or doctor’s office, but even there, watching babies that were about the age she should have been would send me into tears. Her dad wanted to spend the holidays with family far away. I did not. I told him to go without me. He almost did. We all grieve at our own pace and in our own ways. Two weeks after losing her, he started sweeping through the house to put away all of her things. I just sat and gawked at him. He finally noticed and asked, “What? Too soon?” Um, yeah!
    It’s a delicate balance between taking care of ourselves and our needs and taking care of others. Right now, people are just going to have to understand that you need time. Not One Person, no matter how well-intentioned, can understand until they have been through it and even then, no two journeys are the same. Take care of you. The rest will follow.



    It’s a blog post to help people understand our grieving… how we will never be the same person we were before becoming the mom of an angel…


  4. Thank you both for the advice : ) We will be staying home and I think it will be exactly what we need.

    Liked by 1 person

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